This was Sandy’s – (referred to hereafter as: The Saint) thirteenth Christmas with me. And I can tell you with complete honesty – the very first I’ve allowed myself – key word, allowed – to truly get in the spirit (instead of pretending) for many years.
I have a point – I do…
“Focus, Yvonne,” I said to myself while swinging my bright red Super-ADD cape off my shoulder.
The old holiday blues started coming on when they put the Christmas stuff out after Halloween.
I began building the wall again.
The one that surrounds and protects how I really feel.
Which was – I wanted everything back the way it used to be. How could I possibly let myself be happy when I’ve lost a child and have no access to my grandchildren? How could I stand being outside and about with all of the frantic-stressed-out-miserable-anything-but-giving-energy?
Instead of building new memories – I fiercely (and selfishly) clung to the old ones.
Unwittingly, without even considering the people around me and how they felt.
I wanted it different this year!
Fortunately – I have wonderful friends to point out my flaws. That which pisses you off the most – will make you stronger if you choose to listen. It helps when you know without reservation that true friends only have your best interest at heart – and you better really pay attention when it’s more than one friend telling you the same thing.
I was advised to take off my blindfold and ask myself this question:
Where does my suffocating energy go? Who soaks it all up while I’m too busy to notice because I’m feeling sorry for myself for being wrapped in “other’s” emotions?
And the answer was:
I was horrified – I would never hurt her on purpose!
Along with the knowledge – came responsibility – and the motivation to change.
We both deserve that.
Well mostly, The Saint 🙂
Did I enjoy myself this year – absolutely! I gave up emotional control (gasp!) and let myself be carried away by The Saint’s Spirit.
We went shopping for decorations – in a store… During black Friday weekend.
I was freaking out in a store packed with a couple hundred rude people who were throwing angry-get-out-of-my-way-hate-darts at me, and ended up dancing like a demented ballerina trying to dodge them. I threw handfuls of stuff in the cart without really looking, and began fighting the tears.
I took it very personally up until she said something very important to me. “Just because they’re throwing them doesn’t mean you have to move. You have as much right to be here as they do!”
And she was right. We found an quiet aisle and I took my time to pick out what I really wanted – not what I felt I had to settle for while the crowd roared around me.
I grinned when The Saint gleefully grabbed the last box of lights seconds before the worst offender could get to it, and ignored his bitching. We had the same right to that last box of lights as he did – we were there first. Just because he was really angry didn’t mean I had to give him the box.
We cracked jokes in the loooooooooooong lines. And I found not everyone was a bear inside that store. There was plenty of wonderful people who had the holiday – true holiday spirit. Once again, the Universe points out you get what you put out.
The Saint hung lights outside, and I had a peacock tree! How cool is that?
I focused on giving The Saint the best holiday I was capable of.
I even managed NOT to give her presents early 🙂 Well, except one.
There was plenty of laughter, and love all around.
Everything I needed to know was all written by the joy on her face.
So, here’s to the new memories!
It’s going to be an awesome year.
The Deadening: Book Three in the Sisters of Spirits Trilogy comes out in February.
AND I’m working on a romantic comedy 🙂
I hope you all had wonderful NEW memories to cherish and hold dear!