Heroes and Hindsight.
I thought it fitting that the second part of my blog would fit on Women & Words. The overwhelming support and love from ya’ll – shocked me.
And that’s putting it mild. 🙂
If you want to read the down and dirty details of my heart attack on June 3rd – and how I felt about it that day – here is the link to Heart attacks and Helicopters.
So, let’s break it down. At that point – I was anything but grateful to be alive. I was pissed off – in pain, and let everyone who was around me know about it. That alone is worth mentioning as I’m not someone who makes a public fuss. Goes back to “be sweet, considerate, but above all, be invisible.”
Seen but not heard. Don’t put anyone to any “trouble” on your account.
Here’s the important thing. I told the truth. What if, someone else in this situation – felt this way, then decided they shouldn’t because it wasn’t “socially” acceptable or the people around them made them feel guilty for being ungrateful – they would think something was wrong with them, right?
I have put myself in situations I’d rather not admit to – but if I see someone struggling with the same challenges, I always tell the truth. Even if it makes me look “bad.”
We are not as alienated as we think. 🙂
Or I’m not, anyway.
Back to the hospital – after my surgery. We’ve established I had a “real” heart attack.
Poor Sandy shows up white as a ghost (she actually saw one in the ICU bathroom as well) but that’s another story.
The IV is still in my shin – and they come and talk to me about DNR. Of course, I tell them – don’t. At the time, I could only picture more spikes screwed into my bone marrow and my chest getting cracked open while i was awake. Sandy said I looked at her with complete panic and said “Don’t make me.”
I’m not making light of this – I was utterly selfish.
In hindsight – the pain is what kept me focused and alive. It’s going to take a long while to feel grateful, but the seeds are there. I couldn’t imagine being in Sandy’s position either when she said, “I won’t make you.”
Sandy was making the phone calls to the family, updating everyone. It was all very surreal.
Then I was blown away.
From the moment I woke after surgery – until this day. The outpouring of love and support brought me to another place during this time.
My sister from another mister opened an account to help me pay for this impromptu stay at the hospital. My wife read the comments that were dropping onto my Facebook page, well-wishes from all around the world.
My friends and author buddies posted and reposted updates and the link to the hopsital.
Wow, I mattered – I really, really mattered.
Sorry, Sally Field moment….
You see, when you’re depressed and in denial – you can’t remind yourself that you’re In denial – and or being influenced by depression.
Go ahead and read that again. 🙂
I want to say that the skies opened up, the clouds parted, and I saw healing Angels.
I want to.
But I’ve established that I hadn’t seen the light, Deserae, or any of my relatives who’ve passed on.
I started getting oxygen to my brain.
And I believe in the power of prayer and positive energy.
Here’s more hindsight. I’ve touched people in a way that was invisible to me – my words and compassion to other’s in the past took on a life ot it’s own. I’ve planted seeds (actually, it’s more like I unknowingly scattered them willy-nilly behind me…)
But that’s my style.
Your genorisity with your words and financial donations floored me – it was beyond belief.
Sandy and I spent most of my hopsital stay with our mouths wide open in shock.
What I feel today is beyond gratitude – beyond appreciation – beyond words, really.
And I’m a writer who is again without words big enough to express herself.
Thank you doens’t seem enough.
But it’s all I have 🙂
I have amazing friends.
Really, who gets to know the depth of how so many people feel about you before they die?
It’s totally life changing and awesome!
I’m the luckiest woman alive 🙂
I have my first follow up appointment today. But I really want to share this as well…
Because now, I do what I want…
LOL. Have an awesome day 🙂