Placing My Bets

Hi there, everyone. I’ve been a bad girl these past couple of weeks. I’ve not been delivering the goods here at Women & Words. I’m not generally unreliable or lackadaisical about my responsibilities—it’s just that my head’s been scattered in many different directions and that’s made me forgetful and, well, scattered.

Part of it has been all the bad news I’ve heard lately, but it’s other things as well. It’s come around to the time of the year when I get lost in my own head, which is not always a good place to be.

During times of high emotions, my head can be a deep, dark forest with trolls and boogiemen waiting to jump out and terrorize me, and possibly anyone else who wanders by. There are evil witches and crazy ogres (not the cute, cuddly kind like Shrek). So, when I get lost in there, it takes the likes of a good fairy to find me and guide me out.

The past few weeks, I’ve not been totally lost in the forest but I’ve been wandering in slowly and I need to catch myself before I go too far. But that tends to happen around this time of year, like I said.

What does the time of the year have to do with anything? Well, it all starts in October, when my birthday falls, and then, with the onset of the holidays, the year starts winding down and that feeling of “another year gone and what have I done with my life” stuff rains down on me.

Let me clarify that I am always busy. And I mean constantly. On my plate are my own writing projects, stuff that I’m reading/critiquing/editing for my writers’ group and others, and editing work. But it just always seems that no matter what I do, it’s never enough. Never enough to get readership, or get recognition, or win an award, or get a job.

But I keep going. I keep getting up and going to work, I keep writing, I keep editing, I keep applying for jobs, I keep, I keep, I keep. (That’s a weird word, keep. Keep. Keep. Keep.) I don’t know how to not keep on keeping on. I don’t know how to stop, even though I sometimes think I should. I’m kind of like a gambler who just can’t stop placing those bets. I keep hoping that one day, I will hit the jackpot.

So, that’s what I will do. Keep on keeping on. In the end, I don’t know if I will get any of the things that I’m striving for, but at least I can say I tried. No one can ever accuse me of not trying or working hard. I know many people who complain about their lives, but there’s nothing to indicate that they’ve done much to get anything. They just lament when they don’t get it. On the other hand, I know some people who have what I want and didn’t work all that hard to get it, but I guess that’s where luck comes in.

As Pink says in “Cuz I Can”:

So I’ll cash my checks and place my bets
And hope I’ll always win
Even if I don’t I’m fucked because
I live a life of sin
But it’s all right
I don’t give a damn

I don’t play your rules
I make my own

Tonight I’ll do what I want
Cuz I can.

Really, it’s only the first two lines that I had intended to share because that was my point, but I guess the rest applies as well.

I hope the news starts turning for the better—for myself and everyone else in the world. Enjoy the weekend.

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10 thoughts on “Placing My Bets

  1. It’s a rough time of year in many ways. I hope the forest thins before you. Watch out for the gingerbread houses, though. There’s only trouble there.

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  2. I tell myself that at least the days will be getting longer in about a month–and then myself responds that they’ll be getting shorter for that month, before they get longer, so in two months we’ll be about where we are now, daylight wise. Still, we’ll be moving closer to spring. So there’s that.

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  3. The quality that used to be called “stickability”, is undervalued these days. But there are many of us each pushing our individual rock up that hill, so at least you are in friendly company, RG!

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