Honesty Above All

 

Good Lord, I blinked and 2015 passed me by.

2015 over

For those readers waiting for more chapters on my ghost adventures – fear not – I haven’t forgotten you!

It’s reflection time today…

I  say each year that it’s been a cycle of very highs and very lows.

And each year the graph of my experience goes higher – then comes down again even lower.

This is what I refer to as “yay-boo’s”  And this last year was no exception.

absent2

I’m going to be painfully honest – because – I’ve been, for all intents and purposes – largely absent this year.

And if I’ve learned anything this lifetime, it’s that I’ve been put on this earth to have experiences in severe contrast and survive to tell about them.

I’ve had quiet a few close calls.  Situations I should not have walked out of – alive or at least not in one piece.

I can’t even pretend I was present in the first six months of 2015 either. The Deadening released in February, and I’ve written less than 25,000 words since then.

Some of you can imagine the self-talk involved.  Lazy, worthless, procrastinator, and the list goes on, fill in the blanks for self-hatred.

And if you don’t know how that feels – I’m very happy for you!

I had a bad heart and didn’t know it.

The heart attack emotions came way after the event itself. For the first two weeks – those criticizing voices were very silent – and I felt vindicated.

I told you I didn’t feel well…

All of the love I received during that incident – was awesome – but I totally didn’t feel as if I deserved it.

opiatewithdrawals

I’m just going to throw this on the table… Because I’m not in a place where it will embarrass anyone but myself.

I was an addict in denial.  And really, who wants to admit to their readers, fans, and friends that they’re addicted to pain killers? Who wants to admit that they spent ten years addicted to meth?

Thank Heaven – I haven’t touched that in eleven years…

There are always going to be people who judge and I’ve ran into a lot of them during my life. But I can’t let that stop me here – because If I don’t tell on myself – It will kill me.

If I feel that I have to live two separate identities – It will kill me.

So, I’m going to make this clear. My name is Yvonne, I am a mother, wife, an author, and today, a struggling addict reaching for recovery.

I say reaching because opiate withdrawal is the worst I’ve ever experienced. I don’t wish it on my worst enemy.

BUT – I have many more good days than bad recently.

And it’s because I remembered this very important message…

attract what  you put out

Today I choose to celebrate my successes – and try NOT to criticize and practice self-hatred – because it only brings more of it.

Do I have more energy – no.

Do I absolutely hate that – yes!

But I’m clean today and that makes it a successful one!

There’s work to do.

Finding my confidence again is one.

Getting back to writing follows.  It’s my joy – and my calling.

Thanks for listening – and if you understand – that’s even better.

And yes, my wife Sandy – IS  a saint.

Here’s to 2016 🙂

And… new beginnings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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33 thoughts on “Honesty Above All

  1. Yvonne, thank you for having the courage to share your journey with us. Here’s to more years of being clean. I hope you will continue to grow and change and that you will soon b e back to writing

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  2. One day at a time Yvonne, and when that seems too hard, just one minute at a time. You’ll get there, in your own time…try and be kind to yourself along the way. You can be the best friend you’ll ever have.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

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  3. Yvonne,
    Your honesty is a reminder that these things creep up on us if we do not take one day at a time or even a second at a time. Thank. You for sharing, that has to make you feel better. That now you are the one who has the reigns and not the other way around! Opioid addiction and withdrawal in my opinion is the harshest and most painful both in body and mind. It also is the most pervasive and sneaky drug there is! You use because you need it, but if you are an addict and you yourself do not put strict controls around it, you are in hell! They scare me especially as a person with chronic pain and now looking at 6 months of 2 knee surgeries and rehab time. I have had controls in place. Locked box, take a mental and physical check(is this emotional pain or real physical pain) and 3 other steps etc. Thank you again for sharing and I think more of you than I did before. Many blessings, please don’t listen to that itty bitty shitty committee in your head saying all those negative self talk things. You must be gentle with yourself not so harsh in order to heal. Take care! Here’s to another 24 hours!
    Layne Beckman

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  4. Thanks for this honest internal review. It probably was difficult to share and I hope it uplifts you. Proud of your accomplishments and look forward to seeing you celebrate your successes in 2016!

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  5. Best of the Best Posts all year, Yvonne!! Thank you for letting us in. And it’s so true about one day, one minute at a time. Courage is not a finite commodity, and you have far more than you know. All kinds of ‘broken hearts’ repair themselves with love, so go real easy on yours. And remember, no experience is ever wasted on a writer! So…write!

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    1. Thank you Elaine – and I agree with you wholeheartedly. It IS not a moral deficiency and has to be addressed to find better ways to help addicts. The finger pointing and judging only makes it worse for the person who is still suffering.

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  6. Hi Yvonne,

    when I read about your heart attack I was eager to support you and your family. Not because I wanted to make myself feel good. I just cared and wanted to share the energy I have to give. You share and care so much through your writing.

    Today I had a molar extracted and the dentist injected some pain killers for that.

    30 minutes later

    My 85-year old mother just called and interrupted this reply, worry-ing about my sisters, me, my brothers and her diabetes, so I’m re-reading because I really want to share honesty here. And I’m so grateful she introduced me to skype about a decade ago 🙂

    I do sincerely hope you don’t really believe your heart attack is the result of you not being or doing good enough. Of course being a meth-addict as you put it doesn’t help, but it’s not that simple.

    I’ve lost too many people, including my dad, to various di(e)seases. Some of them did everything “right”, some of them would be easy to judge in the eyes of many.

    I do believe in mind working together with body. I do think “le corps a une force enorme de se recuperer”.

    Thus far I’m a breast cancer survivor. The day after tomorrow I will have the results from my third year mammography.

    I guess I’m experiencing my share of “yay-boo’s”.

    I’m so glad you’re celebrating you successes.

    Give my love to Sandy,

    You go women!

    Hugs from the Netherlands
    Linda

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  7. You are an incredible loving, caring woman who has gone through more than most of us ever will in our lifetime. You have already proven how strong you are, mentally, physically and emotionally. Hang in there Yvonne. One.day.at.a.time.
    xx
    Melissa

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  8. Looking forward to seeing a pic with your face revealed when you are ready. I have found there are reasons people reach for drugs, like relief from memories. Good Luck.

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  9. Yeah. I’m slow on the boat again. Yvonne, damn, you are a brave, strong, wonderful human being. Addiction in whatever form it takes is an awful thing, and recovery from such is even worse. I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been though and what you are going through now. I’ve been seeing an acupuncturist for a number of problems, and her focus is opioid addiction, recovery, and dealing with chronic pain without the use of opioids. I can’t come close to saying I understand how it works, but apparently it does. You may have heard of this kind of thing, but I thought I’d throw it out just in case since the more tools you have available in your kit the better. Here’s her FB link if you want to check out the info. The big problem is that she’s in MN, but maybe could help find someone where you are. https://www.facebook.com/Bonnie-M-Abel-Bolash-MAc-LAc-273181596046756/ Please know we are all really happy you shared your story and struggle, and we are all behind you.

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  10. Yvonne, addiction is a hard road to have to travel, and one that many of us have had to go down at least once in our lives. Some people would have you believe that only the weak-willed and simple-minded become addicted, but the truth is that anyone at all, given the wrong circumstances, can find themselves in a battle against a substance or behavior. Thank you for sharing your story. Coming clean is half the battle of getting clean, and I know you can beat this thing, just like you did before. Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

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