Good Lord, I blinked and 2015 passed me by.
For those readers waiting for more chapters on my ghost adventures – fear not – I haven’t forgotten you!
It’s reflection time today…
I say each year that it’s been a cycle of very highs and very lows.
And each year the graph of my experience goes higher – then comes down again even lower.
This is what I refer to as “yay-boo’s” And this last year was no exception.
I’m going to be painfully honest – because – I’ve been, for all intents and purposes – largely absent this year.
And if I’ve learned anything this lifetime, it’s that I’ve been put on this earth to have experiences in severe contrast and survive to tell about them.
I’ve had quiet a few close calls. Situations I should not have walked out of – alive or at least not in one piece.
I can’t even pretend I was present in the first six months of 2015 either. The Deadening released in February, and I’ve written less than 25,000 words since then.
Some of you can imagine the self-talk involved. Lazy, worthless, procrastinator, and the list goes on, fill in the blanks for self-hatred.
And if you don’t know how that feels – I’m very happy for you!
I had a bad heart and didn’t know it.
The heart attack emotions came way after the event itself. For the first two weeks – those criticizing voices were very silent – and I felt vindicated.
I told you I didn’t feel well…
All of the love I received during that incident – was awesome – but I totally didn’t feel as if I deserved it.
I’m just going to throw this on the table… Because I’m not in a place where it will embarrass anyone but myself.
I was an addict in denial. And really, who wants to admit to their readers, fans, and friends that they’re addicted to pain killers? Who wants to admit that they spent ten years addicted to meth?
Thank Heaven – I haven’t touched that in eleven years…
There are always going to be people who judge and I’ve ran into a lot of them during my life. But I can’t let that stop me here – because If I don’t tell on myself – It will kill me.
If I feel that I have to live two separate identities – It will kill me.
So, I’m going to make this clear. My name is Yvonne, I am a mother, wife, an author, and today, a struggling addict reaching for recovery.
I say reaching because opiate withdrawal is the worst I’ve ever experienced. I don’t wish it on my worst enemy.
BUT – I have many more good days than bad recently.
And it’s because I remembered this very important message…
Today I choose to celebrate my successes – and try NOT to criticize and practice self-hatred – because it only brings more of it.
Do I have more energy – no.
Do I absolutely hate that – yes!
But I’m clean today and that makes it a successful one!
There’s work to do.
Finding my confidence again is one.
Getting back to writing follows. It’s my joy – and my calling.
Thanks for listening – and if you understand – that’s even better.
And yes, my wife Sandy – IS a saint.
Here’s to 2016 🙂
And… new beginnings.