Why is Everything Polyester?

I went to the mall yesterday. Voluntarily. I do not like malls.

My wife needs an outfit for the GCLS awards night, which is awkward because she still hasn’t entirely accepted that we are going to Vegas (Her: we are only there for like two or three nights, right? Me, lying: Yes). Neither of us particularly like trying on clothes. We love clothes, but we don’t like shopping for them. I’ve been buying the same jeans on repeat for the last three years. She’s been buying the same jeans for ten. When you only wear jeans and T-shirts, that’s doable. When you’re looking at chinos and blazers and suits, you have to try them on? Adult clothes are hard.

Our mistake, of course, was going to the mall when we needed twenty items. But that mistake paled next to our other genius move. We needed our phone batteries replaced. And since we never go to the mall, we figured it would be wise to drop off our phones at the Apple store.

Reader, it was not wise.

I pulled out my empty phone case and tried to take a photo with a phantom phone no less than five times. I tried to look up additional sizes and colors online constantly. I tried to write down my shoe size for a specific brand. Twice.

We had to ask sales associates to write style numbers on paper. Paper! We got home and my wife handed me a stack of slips with handwritten numbers and exactly zero indication of which store they came from.

The battery replacements only took 90 minutes. I remembered to wear my Justin Bieber watch (I’m kidding. I never forget to wear my Justin Bieber watch) so we could keep track of time. When we picked up the phones, mine was at 28%. Hers was at 7%. It was rough.

We spent six hours at the mall. For five and a half of those hours, we had “Let’s go to the Mall” by Robin Sparkles stuck in our heads. We did not manage to find shoes or a shirt for me. Or an outfit for her. In fact, the only item we purchased was a T-shirt with a surfing dinosaur. I assured my wife that this was a necessary item for me to own. So I think we can all admit that yesterday was wildly successful.


  1. Thank you for giving me a reason to laugh!!! I can relate so well!! And we all need laughter in our lives. 🙂


  2. I’m sorry to have to tell you it does not get better. Wait a few decades, when you are officially a senior citizen, need some dress-up clothes, go to an adult store and ask for cotton.


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