Good morning strangers!
It feels odd wishing you a Happy New Year at the end of January but when you blog on the 4th Monday of the month, you work with what you have.
Did you miss me?
I missed me.
I’m going to start by stating 2018 was a rough ride. You probably knew that by reading my blogs over the last several months. Full of depression and repeated declarations to pull myself up and out of it to come back online and join the land of the living. I believed what I was writing at the time, and with memory problems, I probably wrote the same blog every month! I made promises, people. But, by the next morning, I broke every single one of them. Like a bungee cord that snapped back every morning, resistance was futile.
To keep the very long story – short (kinda!) Here is what happened: Mr. Murphy Law, and his freaking ugly brother, Mr. Inevitable, showed up and walked in to my house and life, uninvited and made themselves at home while generously passing out nervous breakdowns, financial disasters, shift changes at work, family disagreements, and health issues.
And I’m understating the issues! Here is a perfect example:
This was the year everything seemed to hit at once. It started with my male Shitzu, Mad Max, developing diabetes and going blind. It started the rock rolling down the hill until it reached avalanche proportions.
The fact I had a book, Paradigm (that worked very hard on – and love) come out in October barely fazed me – and that’s always a big deal! I could NOT force myself go into the office, promote, or engage with my online friends and readers. I would stop in the doorway and get physically ill.
But worse, devastatingly worse – none of that crap compared to the pain of losing my 16 year old shitzu, ghost hunting, bipolar, (yes, I said bipolar) empathic dog, Missy America. Sandy had given her to me for Valentines Day in 2003 and she barely fit in the palm of my hand, and over the years, loved me through every thing. Missy rarely left my side and sat at my feet for every book I have written. Don’t get me twisted, she was a temperamental witch (read: bipolar) -and the other dogs (all bigger by the way) were scared to death of her!
That day, though she hadn’t taken a nap with me for years, she asked to get on the bed and let me curl up with her. She knew. And it destroyed me. The only thing I can hang to there is after she got her shot, the only thing I could feel through my emotional apocalypse was her relief. She was tired. I could let her go, I knew Dezi was on the other side to welcome her, and they knew each other. She did come back to visit me later that night and the next day to give messages. But that’s another story… for another day!
Run with the pack my baby.
I picture her running through a field of Lavender, bouncing as she used to when she was young and I can hear the joy in her barks as she chasing butterflies.
So yeah – 2018 was a
fucked rough year.
When Sandy and I watched the ball drop on New Years Eve, and with zero guilt, I bitch slapped those viscous brothers, kicked them to the curb, and then gleefully waved goodbye to the year that held me an emotional hostage.
After all that, I was beyond exhausted and left asking where the happy, positive, spiritual, hopeful, optimist was hiding. I really missed her! I missed being psychically plugged in and seeing signs everywhere I looked and sometimes when I didn’t and they metaphorically slapped me. I craved the ability to happily jump out of bed, and create an awesome reality for the amazing day I was sure to follow.
So, instead of sniveling about whatever situation imposed on me (and there was a plethora to choose from) during the year past, I began looking for answers. I’m not going to survive another 12 months like the last, I needed to go back and remember that version of myself and do what “she” did. I have to and dayamn, I want and need to.
I’m going to quit playing with the problems, stop talking about them (after this of course!) and plug back into Spirit (or Goddess, God, or the Universe) to find guidance and solutions instead of begging for relief!
I believe there is something much greater than myself that wants great things for me even if I didn’t believe I deserved them, for whatever reason on any given day.
This is an inside job! and I can only get there by effort on my part. And I have my road map all ready to share with you on my next blog.
This is why:
Edited for length, and necessity! You can’t make this stuff up!
Oh wait, I can, I write fiction! LOL
Writing this blog has been a farce today!
I started at 9 am – yes really.
I had internet problems, then computer problems, a hungry wife getting up to get ready to work the night shift, a mad rush to go to the grocery store to stock up what we needed for the week and pick up stuff to make dinner. It was past lunch and I was starving, so I broke for that. After lunch, my knees cramped up and I couldn’t sit in the computer chair any longer – so I went into the living room and worked on my chromebook to finish, by this time it was afternoon, an unexpected visitor. THEN WordPress froze on me, giving cause for panic because I had no backup. While the “would you like to wait or close window” (I will wait, thank you very much) became glued to the top of the screen, I made dinner (we eat early because of the work shift) and rushed around to get lunches ready. After she left, the dogs needed dinner, and after that was done, I came into the office to cut and paste my content onto this page from the chromebook… The text would NOT copy and paste and after a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out how to, I gave in and typed it all over again into this page. And now, a girl has to eat her own dinner. And I still wasn’t done! Now the excuses are longer than the blog would have been if I were able to finish it this morning!
But I will not give in. I’m posting now, and I will get back to what worked to change my perceptions of current challenges. I will share how I’m retraining myself and the tools I’m using to reintroduce myself to me – the me I liked 🙂
I won’t say I’m sorry I’m late….
But I will thank you for your patience!