When the year started, I had a lot of anxiety about everything that was coming up. It was going to be a new semester, which means new assignments, new people, new challenges, etc. At the time, it all felt overwhelming- which I think is normal. However, I have a habit of ruminating over things that have happened and using them as an excuse to not look forward to things in the future. This year, I decided instead of ruminating, I’d rationalized with myself to get things done. It went like this: A semester is only four months, that’s two months twice with a week break in between, then it’s over. We get our grades at the end of May/early June. June is pride month. All I have to do is finish the school year, and then I’ll be rewarded with that gay shit. For me, anxiety is a lot more manageable when everything is broken down into simple pieces and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
And look at that, it’s pride month! Somehow, I made it. I’ve been looking forward to this for a while. I started planning my pride outfit in April. I have it all figured out, down to the way my hair is going to be cut and who’s going to cut it. There is a list of gay shit I want to participate in this month, and I’m sure I could find someone in my contacts who has the time to run around New York on a wild gay adventure with me.
The problem is that suddenly the phrase “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” makes a lot of sense to me.
I can’t emphasize enough how much I’ve been looking forward to this month. I love it all. During the semester, the only thing I’d talk about was pride, and the parade, and all the big-name corporations that would be pandering to me and my sexuality. My mentor, who I haven’t seen in forever, is even attempting to come to New York from South Korea just to celebrate with me.
There was a lot of build up to June 1st, and now that it’s here, I hate to say this but, it’s rather anti-climactic. I’m at my own party and I am not having fun. In part, I feel like a toddler being given exactly what I want but is yet, still screaming. This is especially annoying because I am a very happy person. I’m always five seconds away from shitting out a rainbow over something useless. It doesn’t take much to get me going. I mean that. For example, at our end of year party on campus, one of my favorite professors gave me a tiny, very rectangular chocolate cake (it was so small and adorable) and I kid you not, I showed everyone- it made my day. I’d like to feel that level of happiness right now, please.
I think I’ve been holding in all my bad feelings. There’s been a lot of crappy things that’s happened so far this year and instead of feeling my feelings about it, I pushed it down saying, “it’ll all be worth it in June.” But its not better, and June, despite being the gay month, isn’t magic, and it doesn’t fix anything. My punishment for that is deflation. I feel utterly deflated even though I’m surrounded by all my favorite things. Its as though I have a happiness meter, and I used up all the excitement I was saving for June hiding the fact that I was annoyed or upset.
I don’t have an ending to this, mostly because June isn’t over, but I do have a lesson- to myself and whoever needs to hear it, I suppose. Don’t put all your hopes on one thing. You can’t predict how you’re going to feel and how those feelings are going to impact your interaction with that thing. Using this same notion, I suppose this is only the anti-climatic beginning to my party, and despite wanting to, I probably shouldn’t call it quits just yet. I mean we’re only 4 days in. There is still a lot to do, and who knows, things might change.