All My Eggs

When the year started, I had a lot of anxiety about everything that was coming up. It was going to be a new semester, which means new assignments, new people, new challenges, etc. At the time, it all felt overwhelming- which I think is normal. However, I have a habit of ruminating over things that have happened and using them as an excuse to not look forward to things in the future. This year, I decided instead of ruminating, I’d rationalized with myself to get things done. It went like this: A semester is only four months, that’s two months twice with a week break in between, then it’s over. We get our grades at the end of May/early June. June is pride month. All I have to do is finish the school year, and then I’ll be rewarded with that gay shit. For me, anxiety is a lot more manageable when everything is broken down into simple pieces and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And look at that, it’s pride month! Somehow, I made it. I’ve been looking forward to this for a while. I started planning my pride outfit in April. I have it all figured out, down to the way my hair is going to be cut and who’s going to cut it. There is a list of gay shit I want to participate in this month, and I’m sure I could find someone in my contacts who has the time to run around New York on a wild gay adventure with me.

The problem is that suddenly the phrase “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” makes a lot of sense to me.

I can’t emphasize enough how much I’ve been looking forward to this month. I love it all. During the semester, the only thing I’d talk about was pride, and the parade, and all the big-name corporations that would be pandering to me and my sexuality. My mentor, who I haven’t seen in forever, is even attempting to come to New York from South Korea just to celebrate with me.

There was a lot of build up to June 1st, and now that it’s here, I hate to say this but, it’s rather anti-climactic. I’m at my own party and I am not having fun. In part, I feel like a toddler being given exactly what I want but is yet, still screaming. This is especially annoying because I am a very happy person. I’m always five seconds away from shitting out a rainbow over something useless. It doesn’t take much to get me going. I mean that. For example, at our end of year party on campus, one of my favorite professors gave me a tiny, very rectangular chocolate cake (it was so small and adorable) and I kid you not, I showed everyone- it made my day. I’d like to feel that level of happiness right now, please.

I think I’ve been holding in all my bad feelings. There’s been a lot of crappy things that’s happened so far this year and instead of feeling my feelings about it, I pushed it down saying, “it’ll all be worth it in June.” But its not better, and June, despite being the gay month, isn’t magic, and it doesn’t fix anything. My punishment for that is deflation. I feel utterly deflated even though I’m surrounded by all my favorite things. Its as though I have a happiness meter, and I used up all the excitement I was saving for June hiding the fact that I was annoyed or upset.

I don’t have an ending to this, mostly because June isn’t over, but I do have a lesson- to myself and whoever needs to hear it, I suppose. Don’t put all your hopes on one thing. You can’t predict how you’re going to feel and how those feelings are going to impact your interaction with that thing. Using this same notion, I suppose this is only the anti-climatic beginning to my party, and despite wanting to, I probably shouldn’t call it quits just yet. I mean we’re only 4 days in. There is still a lot to do, and who knows, things might change.

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3 comments

  1. Aw, expectation when the reality doesn’t match can really suck. I’ve been told that “expectations are premeditated resentments”. I think there’s a lot of truth in that. I also try to break things down to make them manageable – not looking at the mountain of things to do but just starting small – one thing at a time. That helps me manage anxiety fairly well – when I practice it. I hope the remaining days in June brings you much to celebrate – especially getting through the school year relatively whole and unscathed. Wishing you much happiness and joy.

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  2. Hey, Anika–did you hear about THIS Pride march? It’s the Queer Liberation March, and it takes place the same day as the massive Pride march only earlier, and it’s following the original route of the first queer liberation march that happened in 1970. The Reclaim Pride Coalition is sponsoring it, and they’re trying to bring back the original spirit of why Pride rallies and marches originated — to claim queer space.

    The Reclaim Pride Coalition released this statement:

    We March in our communities’ tradition of resistance against police, state, and societal oppression, a tradition that is epitomized and symbolized by the 1969 Stonewall Rebellion.

    We March against the exploitation of our communities for profit and against corporate and state pinkwashing, as displayed in Pride celebrations worldwide, including the NYC Pride Parade.

    We March in opposition to transphobia, homophobia, biphobia, racism, sexism, xenophobia, bigotry based on religious affiliation, classism, ableism, audism, ageism, all other forms of oppression, and the violence that accompanies them in the U.S. and globally.

    We March for an end to individual and institutional expressions of hate and violence as well as government policies that deny us our rights and our very lives, from the NYPD to ICE, from the prison industrial complex to state repression worldwide.

    We March to oppose efforts that deny our communities’ rights and that brutally erase queer people worldwide.

    We March against domestic and global neoliberalism and the ascendance of the far right, against poverty and economic inequality, against U.S. military aggression, and against the threat that is climate change.

    We March to affirm that healthcare is a right, including treatment for all people with HIV/AIDS worldwide and intensive prevention efforts, and to demand an end to HIV stigma and criminalization.

    We are trans, bisexual, lesbian, gay, queer, intersex, asexual, two-spirit, non-binary, gender non-conforming + and allies.

    We March to celebrate our communities and history, in solidarity with other oppressed groups, and to demand social and economic justice worldwide—we March for Liberation!


    I think it’s important to remember that Pride marches/rallies were born of this spirit, and not of the corporate sponsorship that so often undergirds modern marches/rallies. Claiming queer space and working in solidarity with others for equity is, I think, the true spirit of Pride. 🙂

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