More Than Just a Conversation

As someone still trying to navigate what I do and do not like, I think there is one thing I can definitively say; people bore me. This is not meant to be in a cocky “I am sooo much more interesting than you” way. I don’t think that at all. This is just in a genuine “I-hate-small-talk-please-stop” way. A lot of people feel that way though. It’s probably a product of anxiety in most, small talk is the worst and I’m sure the looming feeling of it being endless doesn’t help, but for me I feel like I’m being teased with the prospect of deep conversation when someone casually asks about a TV show or the weather. I don’t like that feeling. I would prefer to skip that feeling and the small talk and just jump right into the sociopolitical contexts of things.

I was talking to my friend about our likes and dislikes on the train home one day, and I mentioned that even though I find the physical act of talking to anyone at any time easy enough, I get bored of it very easily. This probably sounds very awful, but I get bored of getting to know people. This explains why I make friends easily but have a hard time keeping them. I just don’t like how long it takes, and I find that my longest lasting relationships were formed due to my skipping that part and jumping right in. In response, she mentions that I did that with her. We’ve been friends for about two years now, and in all that time we’ve never actually had small talk. Instead, we’ve had discussions, debates. The difference between the two being the topics presented and how deeply we dive into them.

I’ve gotten compliments (and some complaints) about how I talk to people. I’ve been interrupted in the middle of discussion so the other person could comment how I talk to them as though I’ve known them for years. That’s the way I prefer it. I am not the most cautious person. I tend to look at people and hope that I am looking at someone good. This leads me to wishing I knew them sooner and trying to integrate them into my social life as best as I can. This can, and often does, go south very quickly. However, I’m going to argue that a benefit to having these deep discussions instead of small talk is that you get to know who a person is very quickly, and its enough to decide if they the kind of person you want to keep around.

This problem of mine isn’t just with people though. There’s a lot of things I don’t do because it gives me the same feeling small talk gives me. I don’t watch TV for instance. Not at all, even when I’m home alone, the TV is off. I have about five very specific shows that I do watch on Netflix because they pander to exactly what I’m looking for mentally.

Even though my mother and I watch a few of the same things on Netflix, she has completely given up on trying to watch anything with me. In her words. I “can’t just watch the show”. I have to sit and break down every little thing and comment on the lack (or abundance) of diversity or real-life social movements that inspired the show and if they did a good job of presenting the information they found. Suffice to say, watching anything with me stresses her out. The sad thing about it though is that I think she thinks it also stresses me out. It doesn’t. I think she, and a handful of other people, fail to realize that this is fun for me. I like tearing things apart to look inside. I’m curious, critical, and sometimes a little socio-politically angry as a hobby. It’s fun for me. I don’t enjoy a lot of things that are on TV because I fail to find deeper meaning within them and that bores me.

My hatred of boredom stems from the fact that I don’t like the feeling of regression. I hate feeling like I’m not stimulated or challenged. I get really antsy during long breaks away from school and when my friends are away. I usually fill those times with books or news articles and, as weird as this sounds, debate back and forth with myself about what I think about it. The only problem with this is that I am one hell of a debater and I can never win against myself. I’m too good but also not good enough.

I understand how this can come off as a little full of myself, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing what you’re capable of and what you enjoy and wanting things to be at or above your standards. You’d think these types of conversations get old or tiring or boring at times, but no. I’ve been this way for a few years now, and I can honestly say it is my favorite thing in the world. And because I understand that not everyone is like this, I’ve taken time to really think about the kind of friends that I want in the future and the ones that I have now. Luckily, all my friends right now are all thinkers and debaters. We smoke weed and have nerdy discussions with each other. It’s great :).

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