I don’t mess with bitches

I’m not a heartless bastard. I just need you to know that out of the gate.

I don’t like dogs.

I know, I know. You’re thinking, “But Ashley, everyone likes dogs!” But we just went over this. I have very compelling evidence that not everyone likes dogs: me.

No one gets upset when I say I’m not a reptile fan. People are fine with me not liking horses. Hell, nobody gives a damn when I say I don’t like bunny rabbits. But dogs? Suddenly I’m inconceivable.

And, no, I wasn’t bitten or attacked or frightened as a child. I’m not afraid of dogs. I just don’t like them.

This shouldn’t surprise you. I’m queer in every other aspect of my life. Why wouldn’t that extend to cute puppies? Sure, they are conventionally accepted as the ultimate pet. But I, friend, am unconventional.

Here’s what I don’t get. Common decency suggests we shouldn’t go out in public when we are ill and might infect someone else. Likewise, we should respect other people’s bodily autonomy. And it’s impolite to openly sneeze or cough or spit in a shared space. But everyone is just cool with an animal that drools and sheds and shoves it’s nose in random crotches? How. Is. That. Logical.

The cleanest, most well-behaved dog will happily roll in a rotting carcass and then lick you. When you’re standing on a public sidewalk. At noon on a Tuesday. And that’s fine because it’s cute? I’m failing to see the cute here.

Granted, I think my kitten is literal perfection. Sometimes she sneezes directly on my face and I think it’s the cutest goddamn thing she’s ever done. But I don’t take her out in public. I don’t sneak her into food service establishments. Do I accidentally consume a high amount of cat fur? Absolutely. Do I demand that strangers in public spaces allow my magnificent kitten to sneeze on their faces and eat her cat hair? No. Because that would be weird.

Oh, and by reading this you are barred from commenting “but not MY dog, Ashley.” Or “you haven’t met the right dog.” I don’t make the contractual obligations. Not sorry.

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