Situation Normal AFU

Good morning!

Earlier this morning, I had written Andi to apologize for missing last month (and I’m sorry to YOU too) and make an excuse for how I’m not well enough to write this one.  I couldn’t just pop on here and pretend everything is ok with me.  I’m beyond tired and frustrated and with a new turn of events, exhausted. I couldn’t do it.

Until I thought more about it.  Maybe – just maybe – if I’m willing to share – someone else will know they’re not alone.  Maybe – just maybe – if things are not all perfect in Vonnie Land, maybe some one else will at the very least be reminded – it’s ok to not be ok? And even a couple with nearly 20 years together – have fights.

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Throughout this whole farce, fiasco, um… pandemic – I’ve been off. That doom and gloom ‘something is coming and it’s big feeling – is right there behind my left shoulder.

I voiced it before they shut the country down –  and I mentioned it again on Facebook last week.  I just never imagined it would be so personal. Over the last 4 years (feels like 20) I feel as if I’m  living in some alternate reality where people look the same – but aren’t familiar at all.  Up is down, down is up – and sideways gets you kicked diagonally.

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I say these things because it’s total chaos over here in my head and home.

And let’s be completely honest  here. I haven’t been right since 2016. Not because I’m a whiner – but because I am an intelligent, fair minded woman who cares.  There has a been a low level buzz throughout my body – a state of constant stress that I let take over my entire focus FOR YEARS now. I am constantly trying to understand why – and there is no logical answer – none of it computes and I voice it.

Constantly. Because I FEEL it constantly.  There is no where to turn – the negativity is everywhere.

It had consequences and it changed my life when I wasn’t looking – so if you’re doing the same thing – please stop giving the orange one and the madhouse any more of your personal power – save your sanity.

Long story short – Night shift kills everything in it’s path. Adult children shouldn’t live with their parents and I probably shouldn’t have gone off all of my medication at the same time while dealing with (or not, as the case may be) Corona insanity. They said stay home – and I have.

I’ve slipped into a dark place – where the shadows bite and the ghosts are not friendly. And if you’re in denial – you can’t remind yourself – because  you’re in denial.

Long story short – the vat of boiling oil tipped over last night and after being burned, I realized where the disconnect started – I don’t know if I’ll trust what was again – it will never be the same.  I want to put a lol on the this statement to lessen the severity of it  – but I’m stopping myself because it will be something I will always be aware of.  There will be cracks.  There has to be communication and never, ever, take anything for granted because you never know when the ground will shift beneath you again.

Things looked better this morning and I’m super grateful for that. But I’m hyper-aware of the state of the country right now and I’m scared that my family goes to work everyday in a place where no one seems to care about the virus and the rules – or even act as if it exists.

This constant state of anxiety and fear – I am tired.  So that’s it – that’s my nightmare. I’m sorry I didn’t have any cheer for you today or tell you any funny stories.

But I hope that YOU have an awesome day!  I am starting my serenity project today. in the yard. It’s a huge job and it should get me out of my head…  I hope!

 

—Pngtree—earth with surgical mask and_5345315

And because everyone who works through this uncertainty and insanity – is awesome – thank you.

thank you

8 comments

  1. Yvonne, thanks for trusting us, your readers, with all you’ve been feeling and experiencing since 2016. You are not alone. The constant spirit-gnawing anxiety that’s filled the air since 2016 is felt by many. The Covid-19 situation has made our atmosphere even more toxic, especially for people designated “essential workers’ and their family members. The best we can do is communicate, keep speaking and/or writing. Being outside in the garden/yard is helpful as well. Take deep breaths, react to the physical beauty of Spring as if you’ve never noticed it until now, and be easy with the expectations you may have of yourself.

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  2. Honestly, I think the whole world should read your post today. You are not at all alone with these feelings, this sense of doom, the hyper-vigilance of “what’s next,” but then the sudden shock after the realization that some things changed when you weren’t looking against—all against the backdrop of the constant exhaustion from being “on duty” for the world. It’s too much for one person—hell, it’s too much for millions of people.

    FWIW, it sounds like you’ve taken on the heavy lifting from the slackers of the world who have abolished their own empathy, their own caring and their own responsibility. It’s not your job, but it may be in your DNA to do so, to take on too much.

    Nothing happens in a vacuum even for those who are certain that something “is” their fault. If your own empathy has led to missing a few clues in your up-close world, that’s not your fault, and it’s certainly not a defect in you or the up-close world. It’s just the price of admission your “not right” self pays for trying to be there for ALL the world. Keep moving along, as this, too, shall pass.

    Yes, close off the outside a little more each day…refuse it entry into your up-close world, but know that the chaos and craven world will seep in. It’s bigger than us—but not stronger.

    Yard work is good because: exotic bugs and other things that make one go “Ewwww!” My wife is our resident gardener/landscape artiste, and I…kind of help. A little. It apparently gives her something it certainly does not give me! Lol. My “garden” is my computer screen…so is yours. Go ahead, plant some flowers outside or get your angst out on the weedwhacker…but keep planting those gorgeous words on the page, on the computer screen, too, because that’s where your inner garden grows. No one can touch it, no one can do it quite like you, there no orange menace in your interior garden if you fence it in a little for your own safety, and no one needs it more than the writer herself—that goes for all of us.

    Thanks for a truly great post, Yvonne.

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  3. You are a gifted, talented and sensitive artist who isn’t afraid to express her demons publicly. That takes a great amount of courage. I applaud you. And please really internalize that we’re all in this miasma together.

    What you’ve said sounds as if your energy vibrations have been pinging all over since 2016. I feel it too. And it’s the constant drip drip drip of negativity that tires us out. So, interrupt that cacophony with sounds of nature, your own laughter, look up not down (it works!).

    So, in the dark of night when it all seems to unravel, try to visualize a distant open door with a tiny light shining through it. Just walk towards it, enjoying each step as the light grows.

    And please, hug yourself.

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  4. I feel down today so reading this gave me some sense that I’m not alone. Today I was ready to just say F*** it, I don’t care any more. I live alone in a very quiet building, and I think the isolation – and lack of routine and income – is taking its toll, as well as physical and mental health issues. Thank you for sharing; I know I’m not alone.

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  5. Thanks, Yvonne. I know this was hard for you to write. Shit is shitty. I mean, really shitty. Most people with souls are experiencing the utter shit and it’s heavy and it’s hard and it’s scary. And it’s definitely okay to not be okay and it’s definitely okay to tell others that you’re not okay. Thanks for trusting this space to do that.

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