Earlier this morning, I had written Andi to apologize for missing last month (and I’m sorry to YOU too) and make an excuse for how I’m not well enough to write this one. I couldn’t just pop on here and pretend everything is ok with me. I’m beyond tired and frustrated and with a new turn of events, exhausted. I couldn’t do it.
Until I thought more about it. Maybe – just maybe – if I’m willing to share – someone else will know they’re not alone. Maybe – just maybe – if things are not all perfect in Vonnie Land, maybe some one else will at the very least be reminded – it’s ok to not be ok? And even a couple with nearly 20 years together – have fights.
Throughout this whole farce, fiasco, um… pandemic – I’ve been off. That doom and gloom ‘something is coming and it’s big feeling – is right there behind my left shoulder.
I voiced it before they shut the country down – and I mentioned it again on Facebook last week. I just never imagined it would be so personal. Over the last 4 years (feels like 20) I feel as if I’m living in some alternate reality where people look the same – but aren’t familiar at all. Up is down, down is up – and sideways gets you kicked diagonally.
I say these things because it’s total chaos over here in my head and home.
And let’s be completely honest here. I haven’t been right since 2016. Not because I’m a whiner – but because I am an intelligent, fair minded woman who cares. There has a been a low level buzz throughout my body – a state of constant stress that I let take over my entire focus FOR YEARS now. I am constantly trying to understand why – and there is no logical answer – none of it computes and I voice it.
Constantly. Because I FEEL it constantly. There is no where to turn – the negativity is everywhere.
It had consequences and it changed my life when I wasn’t looking – so if you’re doing the same thing – please stop giving the orange one and the madhouse any more of your personal power – save your sanity.
Long story short – Night shift kills everything in it’s path. Adult children shouldn’t live with their parents and I probably shouldn’t have gone off all of my medication at the same time while dealing with (or not, as the case may be) Corona insanity. They said stay home – and I have.
I’ve slipped into a dark place – where the shadows bite and the ghosts are not friendly. And if you’re in denial – you can’t remind yourself – because you’re in denial.
Long story short – the vat of boiling oil tipped over last night and after being burned, I realized where the disconnect started – I don’t know if I’ll trust what was again – it will never be the same. I want to put a lol on the this statement to lessen the severity of it – but I’m stopping myself because it will be something I will always be aware of. There will be cracks. There has to be communication and never, ever, take anything for granted because you never know when the ground will shift beneath you again.
Things looked better this morning and I’m super grateful for that. But I’m hyper-aware of the state of the country right now and I’m scared that my family goes to work everyday in a place where no one seems to care about the virus and the rules – or even act as if it exists.
This constant state of anxiety and fear – I am tired. So that’s it – that’s my nightmare. I’m sorry I didn’t have any cheer for you today or tell you any funny stories.
But I hope that YOU have an awesome day! I am starting my serenity project today. in the yard. It’s a huge job and it should get me out of my head… I hope!
And because everyone who works through this uncertainty and insanity – is awesome – thank you.